Preview Copy
Inner Child - Spirituality & Business, Book I
Acknowledgement
I would like to thank my partner
Shoi, who shared her invaluable experience from 8 years of full-time online marketing, my son Mark for allowing me to be his Chess Coach where I clarified my ideas for this book, Adam Kovitz of
The National Networker for his trust in establishing the SEAsian bureau and for his many hours of conversation where we debated ethics and etiquette in online marketing. Adam is also the founder of RNIA which is working to establish new standards for doing business on the WWW; Joy Lai for playing the “devil's advocate”;
Lisa Lamoreux for being the first sponsor for my book and for words of encouragement when I stumbled. Must be a frightening experience trusting someone so far from home and in a novel experiment to publish a viral eBook via sponsorship and before seeing it in its present form. Thank you for your gift of trust. To the readers of in-the-loop Ezine who wrote in to comment on my writing as I struggled to find my footing for this book. And lastly to Brother Kiruba of the Brahma Kumaris in providing the space for quiet meditation to finish this book.
This book is also dedicated to the late M. Scott Peck for making a “neurotic” out of me and to Neale Donald Walsh who provided me with the possibilities of his Vision.
Preamble
This eBook is the first of a series dedicated to “The Coming Alive of Internet Marketing”.
The net is a unique environment: On one hand you can be totally open to a stranger and so form bonds that you wouldn't normally and on the other be totally disconnected from the pain and anguish of another because of the “anonymity” of the contact. It is also unique in the sense that traditional forms of due diligence don't apply as the net continues to spin new and novel business models. Here also there seems to be information glut rather than information deficit. And no clearly recognized international legal authority.
Large numbers join in droves daily with hopes of starting a business online. This hope is pinned on this very deceptive premise. The internet can reach literally millions with an ease that has never been achieved before. And with the relatively low cost of setting up and marketing vis-a-vis the reach of the internet, many are lured by seemingly easy money. But it remains an illusion for many.
For what seems like information is actually misinformation. Traditional lines between products and services are blurred. The “Guru” which in Sanskrit means “the dispeller of darkness” is often a skilled spinner of illusions; aided by the rapid change in this unique environment that keeps many “besides themselves”. It's hard to keep up, or so it seems.
Over the years I have witnessed many broken hopes and dreams as I struggled to keep eMasters afloat and attempted to peer beyond the veil. And in doing so I have formulated a theory on how it all works and have perhaps found spirituality in the process.
But before I can move forward to explain the mechanics, I have to go back; back to the
inner child.
Clarity
You are likely familiar with this “phenomenon”. We see it on Reality TV, in boardrooms, chess competitions, the local bar. And on the WWW.
And that “phenomenon” is this... When you are caught up in a “drama” with another person, the other people around you are more likely to see what's REALLY happening a lot clearer than you can. It's been explained that as neutral observers, our dispassion allows us to view situations more objectively; that when we are entangled in a “drama”, we often bring in our own anxieties, fears, past hurts, ego, etc. to filter our perceptions. And if that's not enough, we also bring along our other favourite toys to play---denial, rationalization and mental constructs. This further clouds our perception, and prevents us from seeing reality with clarity.
I call it a “phenomenon” because the drama is happening to us. So shouldn't we be the clearest on the issues? I hope to demonstrate here that the inner child is the key as well as the route to this illusive quality.
Inner Child
Note: I got myself in a twist when I attempted to explain the popular notion of the inner child to my 14 year old son. And so I now define the
inner child as that unresolved portion of our psyche defined in childhood that can exert an inordinate amount of influence on our personalities. This child emerges under perceived threats. The child is also a spinner of illusions and will do all it can to keep you from the spirit of things and clarity. And in doing so the child also becomes the prey for the spinners of illusions.
At a point of doing our inner child work---when we are able to calm our inner child, and understand better the machination of the illusions---we begin to have greater connection to our inner spirit, which is itself child-like but with very different qualities. Perhaps that is why there seems to be a popular misconception of this term.
Character Defects and Neurotics
Scott Peck in his book “The Road Less Traveled” described two categories of people who enter into therapy: One he called "character defects" and the other “neurotics”. He basically said character defects are people who are unable to take responsibility, and neurotics are those who take too much responsibility. He also said that neurotics are closer to psychological resolution than character defects. And most of us have some of each within the topography of our personalities.
Note: With your forbearance, I will continue to use these two terms. I have found they are very useful in the enquiry of control dramas and I will also reference these terms in future topics of due diligence and the study of business models prevalent on the WWW. The use of these terms is in no way judgmental and it is my argument that these two profiles are needed to foster personal growth. That growth is the struggle between these two profiles within an otherwise balanced person, and we may even be designed that way for this very purpose. Also the use of the male prefix is not gender biased.
The Journey
It appears to me that all of us are born character defective if
character is defined as the result of a personal struggle to do the right thing in the face of adversity. Unless some traumatic event, based on shame, guilt or overbearing responsibility due to circumstances, intervenes in our childhood, the taking and accepting of responsibility is something we are gradually taught to accept and bear from childhood as we learn, acquire knowledge and discipline.
However, certain events can trap character defective or neurotic traits in our personalities, especially in childhood, before we have the tools or understanding to deal with them. These traits defy integration and begin to colour our world. Under certain conditions the child rears its head and takes over the adult. This is the inner child that I refer to.
For instance, if the child were to experience an event or events that cause a sensory overload before he is ready, this child can come to a decision to lock up his feelings; the feelings that caused him pain that he cannot handle. And with that decision concludes that it's an unsafe world, and the character defective inner child is born. For even as he grows into adulthood, that decision remains within the child in him. On the flip side, if too much responsibility is fostered on the child, especially together with the use of guilt or shame, the child can reach a decision to deny himself and live for the other. This guilt and shame live on in the adult in the form of the neurotic inner child. I find this more complex, for the character defective element in every child tends to resist neurosis.
For our purposes here, I would like to simplify. I define “character defects” as people who deny responsibility by locking up their feelings, and “neurotics” as people who are finally overwhelmed by their feelings. And in most people this is manifested in a particular part of their psyche where the child remains and emerges only under particular stressors. In the main they remain balanced and integrated. And the general route is from character defect to neurosis. Future references to these terms refer to the characteristics of the child within the adult.
Assumption: An Unsafe World
Let us now look at some of the costs of that decision by the
character defect. In locking up his feelings, he is also unable to empathize with another and so loses his navigational compass in dealing with the world, his connection. For without his feelings, he may remain aware of the feelings of others but can't really plumb the depths of another's pain and anguish or even discomfort.
He normally operates under the bylines, “Look out for number one”, “It's not personal, it's just business”. He asks question like, “Why are you being emotional?” And he will feel justified because he has concluded, “It's an unsafe world”. I'm sure some of you will think that's a very reasonable decision in the face of our turbulent world today. But let's consider this: This is a decision made before considering all the evidence before us in any particular scenario. A decision made before the fact. It is also a decision where the pain and suffering of others are an acceptable cost because for the character defect it doesn't fully compute -- He has locked his feelings away. And in doing so he has now defined his own world.
He also has another problem. Without his feelings, or at least the ones that he has locked away, he also has difficulty in defining himself. He doesn't seem to stand for anything, he is a different person to different people (or in different circumstances); outwardly confident but with a deep sense of emptiness because he has severed his lifeline to himself. For no matter what he does or achieves, there remains that inner voice, his inner spirit wanting to be heard. (Patricia Evans in her book “Controlling People” describes the need for feelings to defining oneself eloquently.)
In the normal course of things, we usually get to our point of potential resolution: Our mid-life crisis; when the dam bursts. And the resultant effect is usually depression, the severity of which will depend on how we have lived our lives. And so the
neurotic emerges… or not.
As I mentioned earlier, the neurotic can also emerge early in childhood by the use of guilt, shame or by circumstances. I believe there is also a gender element to this if we consider that there seem to be more elements of character defects in males than females. (Deborah Tannen in her book “You Just Don't Understand” talks about women and men in conversation. Perhaps we can also view it within the context of character defects and neurotics.)
Personal Growth
Generally, character defects remain in that role until an event forces change. Even if the person outwardly appears successful, there seems to be an emptiness inside, an incompleteness. At some point this can force reflection, introspection. However, this is also followed by a loss in energy, since thinking with integrity is alien, considering the other deeply is alien. To do so means he has to open Pandora's Box; to look at his own pain. So usually in the initial stages he snaps back from this beginning of the neurotic element. It's easier. But it's also the beginning of learning, of considering other factors. The discipline and the knowledge to sustain that effort are not yet developed. Like the proverbial box, once it's opened, it can't really be shut again. But there is strong resistance to examining the pain. It is energy sapping.
So personal growth can also be described as “the struggle between the
character defective and the
neurotic part of our personalities” since we usually have both elements in us, in different admixture. A good way to experience the struggle between the two aspects is when we attempt concentration meditation. The chatter in the mind is the discourse between these two aspects. Another time to observe this is when we set a goal for any endeavour. (I will write more on this in the follow-on series.)
The Chatter - The Two Traps of Illusions
When the child grows into the adult, he picks up a few extra skills to defend the decisions he had made.
Trap One: The Intelligent Trap
In order to avoid the feelings that he has locked away, he will apply the use of denial. He denies the evidence before him by the use of selective hearing or selective reading. He practices semantics, he splits hairs on definitions or he will define you as a means of control. He will do almost anything to avoid meeting those feelings or to see the spirit of things. And the more intelligent he is, the better his own traps. These will usually be quick decisions and the speed at which they are made, seemingly impressive. Many factors are ignored. There is no integrity.
Trap Two: The Emotional Trap
On the flip side, one can get mired in the emotions of guilt, shame, etc. And from this vantage point also use the tools of denial, semantics, mental constructs, etc., but this time it's to keep them in their emotional/negative state, seeing the cup half empty. Anything to justify why it's ok to feel miserable, unsafe.
Generally, character defects are caught in the intelligent trap, as it can be wielded without the need to engage their emotions. Their primary tools are obfuscation, denial, selective hearing. The neurotics tend to use semantics, definitions, etc. Or you may get a flip flop of both as the two traits battle it out. The result is usually
intelligent paralysis since one refuses to acknowledge feelings, and the other is paralyzed. And then if one follows the path of least resistance, the intelligent trap wins out. The way out is through the feelings. Scott Peck in his work “The Different Drum” described this in a different way: He called it an escape into organization vs. “community”.
Control
Patricia Evans, in her book “Controlling People”, says that people are controlled if they are defined or allow themselves to be defined. So if you bring up an uncomfortable subject, you may find yourself labeled as a “trouble causer” or “trying to rise above your station”, etc. I would add that control is also exerted by the blurring of the lines of responsibility. In other words,
control is also the game between character defects and neurotics in order to resist change. We can also call this game the DRAMA.
The Drama
The primary drama is between character defects and neurotics. There are subsets of “character defects and character defects”, as well as “neurotics and neurotics”. Dramas between character defects are characterized by high energy and the shifting of responsibilities. This drama is also hierarchical. In so far as they relate to one another, one will play the character defect role and the other the neurotic. Dramas between neurotics are defined by sameness. This will be experienced as a space with very little energy. It's more about supporting each other's “unsafe” feelings in a safe unchanging environment. And it is relatively less hierarchical. (I think this is an important development, a necessary development but still somewhat insufficient.)
Within the primary drama, the neurotics are attracted to character defects: Character defects seem to have the answers. They appear confident, make decisions easily. They seem to possess what the neurotics have lost (or think they have lost). Character defects can also come in many guises, they can “talk the talk”. They remain aware of the needs of the neurotics although they have little empathy. So, they can appear spiritual, appear to care. It is the game of illusions; the “almost” answers, and yet not quite. Something is always missing.
This control can only be maintained if the inner child of both parties is engaged, consciously or not. To maintain the control, tools are invented and refined to keep one emotionally tripped. Do read Daniel Goleman's book on “Emotional Intelligence”.
The focus of these tools is the inner child -- The one that is fearful and anxious. The one you don't dare meet and come to terms with. The “you” you can't love. And so the angry, frightened, petulant child is kept in pre-eminence. Obvious it may seem, but combined with the two traps of illusions, it's not easy to get out.
The neurotics also deny evidence: They make excuses for and on behalf of the character defects. Mental constructs, based not on evidence but on emotions, the ones that keep them needy, the ones that seem to allay their fears -- The “predator” and the “victim”; the character defect vs. the neurotic; male vs. female. (Character defects are more common in males, for without having to consider feelings they made better hunters, and quicker decisions.)
Or so it seems.
Let us try to peer deeper into the drama. Allow me to use a few illustrations to bring the point through…
Say you have an unresolved issue with your mother and you yearn for her love: Now you may go through life attracted to older motherly figures, and despite evidence that this woman is not what she seems, you will tend to discount this. Now suppose this woman is also a skilled character defect. She knows how you feel but really she doesn't share your pain. She knows what you want and makes the right encouraging noises. This is now a more common occurrence as more women enter business. What happens within this dynamics? By giving you what you need emotionally, she is now able to extract other compensations (i.e. what she really wants). It could be free work, money, etc. This is not so far-fetched. I have seen many examples in action. But what is really going on? The struggle is really between you and your mother (that is, your need to control her; to get her to love you). But if you look deeper, she is NOT your mother, and you will never receive what you need from this stranger. This now becomes your drama. You have created it out of your need. It is rare to get resolution this way. And you go from drama to drama.
Say you have an unresolved issue with your dad: You need to prove something. So you go through life trying to stay one up, as a result of which you find you have less and less friends, less and less deals, less and less business. And this was not what you set out to achieve in the first place. But you can't get out of this drama. Your inner child won't let you.
Say you suffer from insecurities about yourself: You are angry with yourself. And you strive to improve by white-knuckling it. You beat yourself up after each failure and you discount any small progress because it's not good enough; you don't like yourself, your insecurities. How do you think you'll come across to others? What sort of “friends” will you attract? What would you demand of them? And that becomes your drama.
What I'm saying is,
there is no resolution out there. You can't change anything but YOURSELF. Look into your inner child (or inner children): The character defective one, the neurotic one. When you come to terms with them, you will see the drama changed. Your fight with the world is only a mirror of the one within.
Why is that important? Have you seen someone repeat the same mistakes over and over? Someone who can't seem to LEARN? And here, I am not referring to academic lessons. I'm talking about life, about success in life.
So, in other words, you can say that YOU, the universe, will conspire to bring you the lessons you need in order to grow. And until you do, it will remain the same. You create your own drama, you search for it, attract it. Why? Because you have made an assumption: It's an unsafe world; you celebrate sameness because it's an unsafe world; you cannot connect because it's an unsafe world.
But all you need to do is change you, your inner child.
The Zen Buddhists have said, “All that exists in the mind/body is an illusion.”
Let us look at the feelings engendered by an unsafe world, fear, anxieties. And what do we create, what dramas do we start, attract? It's a terrible loop. Also from the mind/body we have euphoria, belligerence, etc. to compensate for our fears and anxieties, and these feelings too are ephemeral and illusive.
An aside: In my own experience of writing this book I experienced a powerful struggle within myself as my own inner child fought back by spinning illusions, irrational fears. The illusions can be so strong that sometimes they are manifested physically as sleepiness, lethargy, etc. It felt like a life struggle of colossal proportions, a life and death struggle… for the angry inner child “dies” when he is calmed and becomes integrated with the inner spirit, the
true inner child.
The Inner Spirit - The True Inner Child
The gift of the inner spirit/child is joy, peace, contentment, patience.
He/she has been there all this time. But you can't hear. The storm has been too tumultuous, the illusions too strong. But when the damaged child has been healed and loved, the spirit can be heard and the illusions vanish.
The spirit knows no fear. It is indestructible. It continues to act even on the character defect. You may shut down your feelings but there is no button to shut down the spirit. It calls to the neurotic to have courage, to see past the illusions. For the way out is through your fears and anxieties. To stretch, to have new experiences, to examine, reflect, confront, assert. To define yourself. And the route is from character defect to neurosis… and then out. Growth.
In this journey, you need to engage your feelings for they aid in the process of individuation. They tell you what you like, don't like, what you are good at, where your talents lay, etc. And this can't be done if you run away from yourself.
The spirit calls to learning, to knowledge. The spirit calls to the evidence that there is a higher power in play that shows that there is no need to control, to manipulate. The spirit calls you to FAITH - such a precious commodity that the Bible says you only need a mustard seed's worth.
From the spirit you will see we are all connected. From the spirit we can embrace a community where we can celebrate our uniqueness. From the spirit, we see with CLARITY, the spirit sees true... and this is the PROCESS.
And from this vantage point, I would like to invite you to look at the WWW again. I will write more on this in the follow-on series. Do join me in
in-the-loop Ezine for an ongoing discussion.
© Copyright 2007 Raymond Siew. All rights reserved.